Once you have encountered the love of God, no matter how you turn away, you will always find yourself going back to Him. This blog is my way of expressing my thoughts in the process of returning to my Faith and Belief that Jesus is my Savior and that I am nothing without Him.
Monday, April 10, 2017
Holy Emotions - Day 1 (Ephesians 2:1-10)
For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.
We are born sinners. Just like the Israel in their journey to the promised land, we are stubborn that we always turn away from God, forgetting what He has done for us. Forgetting all of the blessings that we didn't even ask for. Forgetting that we are guided by His Holy Spirit any time of our day. Just like the a kid that has broken a flower vase, but pointed at his pet dog or cat to tell his Mommy or Daddy that he shouldn't be blamed but the innocent animal. We are naturally sinners. That's what I've known all along since I've open my mind about God and The Bible.
And it has been proven all my life. Until now, I'm struggling with the lusts of flesh. I know I shouldn't do something because I know it's not right. I know, I shouldn't be watching porn because it just makes me want pleasures of the flesh. I know I shouldn't be buying unnecessary make-ups because I have a lot of lipsticks already. I know I should be giving tithes but I keep on holding back my money thinking that I might get deficit before payday.
I've been through a lot of coming backs to the Lord. Reading Bible plans based on the Bible App. Crying my heart out almost every night. Praying whenever I feel guilty about certain things that I've done that is forbidden in the Bible. I'm currently in the search for God. I have this little faith in me that God is with me. That He hears my prayers. Whenever I'm far from Him, certain problems arises. But whenever I seek for Him, my life is quiet, so quiet that I can't even feel Him.
Why can't I feel Him? Because I cannot see if He's answering my prayers. Not matter what I do, turn away from Him, or pray to Him, I cannot hear Him. I don't experience Him. And I'm getting mad of looking for Him. They say that whenever you call out to Him, He hears you. But what about me? What's wrong with me?
I'm having these rants almost everyday for a few years now. But what makes me keep holding on is this little faith remaining in me. Faith that there is a God. Faith that somehow, God really hears me. Faith that somehow, maybe God is just preparing me and the way so that I can go through it. I want this faith to grow more. I just honestly don't know how.
Whenever I hear some preaching through podcasts, I always hear the pastor saying, "Find a church. Find someone to help you in your walk to God." How am I supposed to find someone? I was never like by anyone. And anyone who likes me cannot be with me.
"By grace we are saved through faith." How about the faith that I have? Will it be enough? My heart is broken not only because of the person who I love doesn't love me back. My heart is broken because of a lot of things. And one of those is because I cannot feel God in my life. I don't know why it doesn't strike me when I remember about Jesus being crucified to save me from my sin. That I just have to believe in Him and accept Him in my life. I feel guilty, yes. I feel emotional, yes. But it doesn't reflect in me.
I need a miracle. To change me. Not to the things around me, but ME. But I don't know how or where or what to start.
Lord, no matter how many times I turn away from You, I know, I will always come back to Your sanctuary. I know I will always come back in believing and trusting You. Lord, I may not understand all of these. I may get tired of waiting for that right one you chosen for me. But one thing I know, that Your timing is always perfect. That You're doing what is right for me. Help me to understand that Your plans are not just for me, but also for everyone in this planet. Lord, I may not know how to show it but I love You, Lord. At times, I really wish I could give my heart to You wholly, the way I give my heart to the person I love. I just don't know how. Just like how I love my parents. I know that I love them but I don't show them. Please have my heart Lord. I'm offering it to You. I'll keep on surrendering it to You. It's not worthy of your love. It's not pure. It's dark and full of hatred. But I'll surrender it to You. Lead my heart to You. Lead my life. Cleanse my heart and soul. Make it new. Make it the heart and soul that reflects that You are God. I humbly ask for Your mercy Lord. That you take away the darkness in me. Help me know You better. Help me understand. Open my eyes, open my heart, and open my life. Teach me how to give You glory. Teach me how to be a daughter of God.